As the year draws to a close, it’s got me thinking. I’m not particularly a New Year’s Resolution person, but I do think the passing of one year and dawning of another provides an opportunity for assessment. To acknowledge what went well, question what didn’t, let go of what no longer serves, and move forward with intention. 

For me, the past year has held some big accomplishments as well as struggles and disappointments. Overall, though, the biggest gain I’ve seen weave its way through many aspects of my life is learning to love myself better. 

For all the talk circulating these days about self-care, what they say is true – you have to love yourself well to show up in integrity for those you love and your community at large. It’s not bubble baths and face-masks, but removing of masks and doing the deep, soul stretching work of getting to know your true self and honoring that person; coming home to who you really are. And it’s not a destination, but a journey. Perhaps the most frustrating part of any growth or healing or internal work is the cyclical nature, the feeling of one step forward and two steps back. It will always, always be a work in progress, and accepting that, and releasing the expectation to arrive at some perfect self, is one huge step towards self-love.

Here are some of the ways that I’ve cultivated a more loving relationship with myself this year.

1. Building Self-Awareness

Just like you can’t change what you don’t know, you can’t love what you don’t know. And just because you’ve lived with yourself for, well, your entire life, doesn’t actually mean you know yourself well. Building self-awareness came in both big and small ways this year. All the tiny things, like noticing my flow of energy, how different environments affected me, or simply when I needed a break allowed me to understand and support myself better. But the biggest revelation, for me, came when I got diagnosed with ADHD and all of these traits and habits that I’d always felt were simply personal failures fell into place in a new way, as I began the process of really understanding the unique way my brain works.

2. Cultivating Self-Compassion

Understanding myself better led to the ability to lean more fully into compassion. Maybe I fell short of my own expectations, but I could be compassionate about why I acted in a certain way as I saw the full picture more clearly. When times got tough and I felt like I failed, offering myself a compassionate response rather than layering on shame was the greatest gift and hugely helpful. It allowed me to move through difficult experiences with more ease, seeing solutions and finding a way forward unshackled by the spiral of self-judgement.

3. Talking More Kindly to Myself

Like many people, I’ve had a long and complex relationship with my inner-critic. Despite being cruel and relentless, she likes to convince me that she has my best interest at heart. She wants me to think that she’s keeping me in check, pushing me to be better, saving me from embarrassment or a million other foolish excuses she gives for treating me like shit. This year, I decided I didn’t want her voice to be the one guiding me. When I was able to quiet that inner critic and talk more kindly to myself, with a voice steeped in compassion, I was able to more clearly hear the music of love, creativity, inspiration, and connection, not just with myself, but with the world around me.

4. Releasing Comparison

Teddy Roosevelt famously said, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and never is that more true than when trying to love ourselves and our lives. I have a really strong natural inclination towards comparison, holding up my perception of the best in others against my own weaknesses, and constantly find myself lacking. The truth is, we’re all a mix of strength and struggle, and comparing ourselves is not only unhelpful, but can never be accurate – we can never have the full picture of who someone else is and how they operate. Instead, I’ve tried to embrace my own unique abilities, celebrating where I succeed, and releasing my expectation to perform in the same way as others.

5. Allowing Accommodations and Crafting Rhythms that Work with Me

As my daughter with a disability entered the school system for the first time this year, her teachers were quick to offer accommodations to support her learning. As I’ve navigated my own path of neurodivergence, I’ve realized that certain accommodations, or simply different ways of doing things or shifted expectations, allow me to show up more fully in a life that fits my unique way of being. Maybe some people can power through the whole day, but I need a midday rest to reset my nervous system and calm the sensory overwhelm. Maybe others have a cleaning regimen they can stick to, but I can only manage short focused spurts of cleaning and need to get creative with tools and strategies to manage everyday tasks that come easily for others. And maybe I will always and forever be running late, and I can give myself a little more grace for that trait (see self-compassion above).

6. Identifying My Needs and Being Proactive About Meeting Them

In the heat of the moment, when my six-year-old is falling apart, I’ll try to ask her, “What do you need?” “I don’t know,” she’ll wail in response. How am I supposed to help her if she can’t even tell me what she needs, I wonder, but then I realized that I put myself here time and time again. I don’t pay attention to the things I need until it’s too late and everything just bubbles over. As a mother, with extremely thin margins of time and energy, it can feel like there is no space left for my needs, but, again, unless I’m able to take care of myself, I’m not able to care for those I love. So I’ve started paying attention to the signals in my body – thirst, hunger, exhaustion, dysregulation – and when possible, pre-empt a meltdown by taking time, in whatever small pockets, and meeting my own needs where I can.

7. Nourishing My Body

Admittedly, the last few weeks of holiday over-indulgence probably would not be classified as “nourishing my body,” and yet, I’m still attuned to my body’s intelligence, even if I’m not actively listening to it. Our bodies are wise, not just in the physical sense, but they have so much to tell us about out mental and emotional well-being. This year I’ve tried to listen to and honor what my body desires. Sometimes it’s a brisk run or a veggie-packed salad, but more often it’s a meandering walk, a hike through the woods, gentle yoga, or a cookie and tea. It might look like an early bedtime or a midday Yoga Nidra session or sitting on the couch reading a book. Bodies, especially women’s, are deeply cyclical, and in attuning to my own cycles of energy, capacity, and mood, I’ve been able to shift habits and routines to support my body in it’s unique needs for each season.

8. Setting Boundaries and Not Over-Extending Myself

This one was, and still is, an area that’s tricky for me. Thanks to my inner-critic, I have a narrative that plays on loop in my head telling me that I’m never doing enough. The pace at which I live is slower, more meandering, which leaves me feeling like I have to do more to make up for my inefficiency. But when I say yes to things out of guilt or shame, all I’m doing is setting myself up for resentment and burnout. With a quivering voice and a deep fear that I’ll be rejected, I’ve had to say no and set invisible boundaries to protect my own mental health and make space for priorities that others may not share. In the end, those who matter have been able to support those boundaries, because it turns out those who love us care for our well-being a lot more than we may realize.

9. Honoring My Creativity

It’s easy for me to let my creative pursuits fall to the wayside in the wake of a busy life that never stops needing something from me. After all, so far, what I create hasn’t made money and has no tangible benefit to our family. Except that, when I don’t write, I’m itchy and distracted and probably a general pain to live with. This was the first year that I actually prioritized my creativity in a consistent way. I made and kept weekly creative dates with myself – just a couple hours at the library once a week – but that space was transformative. Not just the time, but the open-ness and inspiration I received from honoring that part of myself allowed me to show up more energized and integrated to all parts of my life. Between library dates and a long-weekend writing retreat, I was able to finish two manuscripts this year, a huge boost in my creative output that proved that artist within was worthy of the extra love and attention.

10. Practicing Self-Trust

Doubting myself is my default setting, so leaning into self-trust has certainly been a challenge. Each morning, I have to remind myself, with a verbal affirmation, “I am practicing self-trust,” and at each turn I have to actively lean into it, against the fear and doubt. It’s like one of those trust falls you’d do back at summer camp, just hoping against hope that someone would catch you. And I’ve found, that when I let myself fall into my own trust, pursue ideas that spring from within or make decisions without constantly second guessing myself, the resources within me rise to catch myself. Then the trust builds on itself, becoming easier each time I practice. Trust is one of the most important building blocks of love, and when it comes to self-love, it’s no different. Without a practice of self-trust, the love we build for ourselves can easily come crumbling down in the face of challenges.

Though loving ourselves has to be something we initiate, it doesn’t have to be a path we walk alone. Most of these practices have been inspired by my work with Krista O’Reilly-Davi-Digui of A Life in Progress and lived out within the supportive environment of her Brave and Beautiful Community.

Stepping into a new year, I hope to carry with me all of these habits to continue building a more loving relationship with myself. There is no end point or expiration date to this work, so while I may feel that I’ve moved the needle of self-love forward, it’s a worthwhile resolution to renew in the year to come.

Wishing you a year filled with all the love and fullness of life that already resides within and around you!